


Nearer, My god to Thee

by Rivermoon1970



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crisis of Faith, Having Faith, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, exlicit sex, priest!Hotch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-12 14:19:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11738802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: When Father Hotchner meets Special Agent Spencer Reid it will turn his whole world upside down.





	Nearer, My god to Thee

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [No One Would Despise Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7555966) by [Tifer14](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tifer14/pseuds/Tifer14). 



Aaron had just finished with the last counseling session of the day. It was his turn to walk through the church and check to make sure everything was as it should be. He looked over the candles and changed out the ones that were down to nothing. He cleared out the donation box and took the money to the office, counted it out and recorded it. The next day was Friday, and the money would be deposited into the Church’s account to be spent on the charities the Church sponsored.

He dipped his fingers in the holy water and said a short prayer before moving on. Little chores that needed to be taken care of were finished in a quick, quiet manner. The early evening was one of Aaron’s favorite times of the day. It helped to settle him, especially after some of the more heavy counseling or confessional sessions.

He was cleaning up the play area for the children when he looked over and saw a face he didn’t recognize. A young man was sitting there looking lost and unsure of himself. Aaron bided his time and knew when the right time to approach was.

“Hello, you look like you need someone to talk to.” Aaron sat next to the man and waited patiently. The young man fidgeted a little bit on the pew; his facial expressions were fighting to find the right one for the situation. The man’s hands twisted a little in his lap, and he looked like he was thinking harder than he probably should.

“I don’t even really know why I’m here. I don’t believe in any God, really, or the Church or in fact religion as a whole. I understand the human need for connection to some unknowable higher power, but it has never been as much of a comfort to me as it has to other people I know.”

Aaron let a tiny smile form on his lips. He had the impression that if this young man was more comfortable, he would have said more, let himself ramble on till he was spent. Aaron wondered if he would ever get the chance to see that.

“What do you believe in?”

“Science. The human spirit. Right and wrong as it pertains to our perceptions of what is surely good and what is evil. I’ve seen a lot of evil and destruction, and I think to myself ‘if there really is a God, why would he let all of these bad things happen?’ I listen to families that ask me questions that I will never be able to answer and the nightmares…” The man trailed off as he looked up at the crucifixion hanging toward the front of the Church. The one behind the podium that Aaron stands at every Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday and puts forth a lot of those questions to his parishioners.

“You believe in the existence of good and evil, yet you don’t believe that there is a God up there that can and has helped relieve suffering and pain. God gave us free will; he gave us knowledge and understanding. While I do believe that Satan works his agenda in the world, I don’t believe that the evil men do should always be attributed to him. Humans can do as they please, but there are consequences to our actions.”

“So you don’t believe in the whole, ‘the devil made me do it’ defense?”

Aaron smiled and chuckled softly.

“That would depend to what devil you are referring. There is a lot of misinterpretation when it comes to The Morningstar, Satan, The Devil, Beelzebub or whatever name you want to attribute to the evil in the world. The bible separates each of these fallen angels and demons, but man, the Clergy specifically has interpreted them to all be the same. A great Christian Philosopher to read is C.S. Lewis. I recommend the Screwtape Letters. He had a great understanding of the demons of Hell as described in the Bible.”

“You’re very philosophical, aren’t you?”

“I’ve dabbled in the realm of philosophy as it relates to my faith and chosen avenue of how I explore that faith. Have you lost faith?”

“I don’t know. Lately, I’m questioning everything.” The young man was gripping his elbow, and he looked like he was torn between bolting, and staying and talking.

“I have some coffee brewing in my office. Would you like to talk a little more privately?”

“I don’t have to do the confessional thing?”

Aaron laughed a genuine laugh, and it echoed just a bit in the large church. He looked at the young man whose eyes sparkled with a touch of amusement. Aaron’s breath caught for just a second, then the moment passed.

“No. You don’t have to use the confessional unless that was what you wanted. I have the feeling you are the type of person that likes to curl up on a comfortable chair or couch and have a deep conversation. I have both, as well as a good ear to listen. No pressure, just thought you might like something more private. I’m Father Aaron Hotchner, by the way.”

“Dr. Spencer Reid. You can call me Spencer. I…” Spencer bit his lip and looked down at his hands. “I think I would like that, Father.”

“Please, it’s fine to call me Aaron. I only go by my title on Sunday’s and formal occasions. Though many of the devout like to use the moniker, I won’t hold you to it.” Aaron stood up and moved to the side to let Spencer out of the pew. “This way,” he said as he led Spencer to his private office. Once there Aaron let Spencer choose where it was the man wanted to sit while he grabbed two cups, poured the coffees and placed one in front of Spencer. He then pulled a small box of creamer from a cleverly hidden mini fridge and grabbed the sugar. Aaron put both in front of Spencer, who had chosen the couch. 

Aaron sat on the other end of the couch and waited a moment for Spencer to finish.

“There is something else on your mind.”

“You can tell, how?”

“I’m trained to observe people. I have a psychology degree in adult, child and family counseling. As well as my degrees in Comparative Religions, philosophy, and sociology. I’m trained to observe and help when I see a person struggling. What is it you are struggling with, Spencer?”

“That’s not far off from what I do for a living. I observe behavior, analyze it, try to extrapolate what a person is going to do next and hopefully stop them before they hurt anyone else.” Spencer sipped at his coffee as he leaned back. Aaron felt like Spencer was taking the time to gather his thoughts before he spoke. “I am struggling lately. My work is...emotionally draining sometimes. I have urges. I’m explaining this all wrong.

“I work for the FBI in the BAU’s Critical Response Team. The things we see, the people we catch it can sometimes take its toll. A few years ago I was kidnapped by a man suffering from DID. He captured me, kept me drugged and at one point I died, but he brought me back. After I was rescued, which took my team almost four days to figure out the clues I had laid out for them, I was a mess. I was addicted, and I kept using. Then my mentor, the man I looked up to the most just up and left with only a letter, to say goodbye. I then realized how far down the rabbit hole I had gone and I made myself stop, and have been clean for almost 19 months. But, lately, it’s all been too much.”

Aaron listened as Spencer told him about the case that brought him into the church that night and how his meetings weren’t helping like they once had. He waited till the young man ran out of steam and appeared to deflate inside himself.

“You went to mandatory counseling?”

“I was sent by my boss.”

Aaron raised a brow and knew when someone was purposefully evasive.

“But you didn’t do the work. You conned your way through it and went back to work like you were better.”

“It’s just my luck to get a smart Priest.” Spencer picked up his coffee to hide behind, but Aaron saw the little smirk on his face.

“I don’t think you would open up to anyone other than someone you could relate to on some level. What do you want for yourself, Spencer? Because if you want someone to talk to, I can do that. I can work around your schedule, and we can do what we are doing now. An informal discussion, talking out where you are at emotionally, mentally. I can give you guidance, what you do with that guidance would be up to you.”

Spencer looked up at Aaron and something connected between the two of them. The slow smile told Aaron that the younger man would be back and he would be there to help him.

* * *

The weeks and months flew by, and Spencer kept as much of a weekly appointment with Aaron as was possible. The two didn’t always stay in the Church. Sometimes they went out for dinner or coffee. Sometimes they took a walk in the park on nicer days or sat in the Church’s courtyard where Aaron had done a lot of work in the garden. Their sessions were no longer confined to a single hour but had spun out to hours at a time. Talking, listening to music, playing chess or cards. Their discussions often took tangents that included questions about philosophy, pop culture, books, dramas and plays they had both seen over the years. There wasn’t anything they didn’t talk about. Even if some of the science went over Aaron's head, he just enjoyed listening to Spencer talk.

Aaron was finding it harder and harder to be objective with Spencer. He was in a dilemma, a crises actually. Aaron had gone and done something unthinkable. He fell in love.

The end of their latest session Spencer turned to Aaron and reached out, touching his hand.

“Aaron, what is happening between us? Because this is no longer about just counseling me.”

“No, it’s not.” Aaron felt his heart beating hard in his chest as he reached out and cupped Spencer’s cheek. The air around them electrified as the moment turned intimate, the two men were so close they were practically sharing breath. Aaron swallowed before he leaned in and took that sensual mouth he had been dreaming about, with his and kissed Spencer. The kiss deepened, tongues gently clashed and Aaron reached out and pulled Spencer onto his lap. The two men were almost desperate as the months of want came to a head.

Aaron’s cock had started to harden, and his brain was short circuiting. He struggled to get himself under control. Finally, he came back to himself and gently placed his hands on Spencer’s shoulders and pushed him away.

“We can’t do this, Spencer.” The misery at the conflicting emotions pinched something deep in Aaron’s heart. He cupped the younger man’s face in his hands. “You tempt me beyond all reason, Spencer. I can’t. I can’t do this; I can’t break my vow.” Aaron frowned as he felt his eyes fill.

Spencer placed his hands on Aaron’s face and held him. He leaned down and connected his forehead to Aaron’s.

“I’ve never wanted anyone like I do you, Aaron. I dream about us being together, of making love to you, holding you as we lay in my bed. Why, Aaron? Why can’t we have this?”

Aaron held his breath a moment and tried to think, but he couldn’t. The only thing in his mind was that he wanted this man more than anything. He gripped the back of Spencer’s neck and kissed him again. This time the kiss heated up even more. It was like something ignited deep inside him. Grabbing Spencer’s ass, he pulled the younger man even further against him.

“Wrap your arms around my neck.” Aaron didn’t give him time to think as he stood up. Spencer wrapped his legs around Aaron’s waist, lips still locked in a heated kiss. Aaron stumbled towards a small room towards the back of his office and fumbled the door open. He tumbled the both of them onto the bed that was in there. He saw that Spencer wanted to ask.

“Sometimes, people need a quiet place after a session.” Aaron supplied quickly before going back to kissing and with trembling hands, tried to get Spencer’s buttons open on his shirt.

“We need my bag,” Spencer panted as he thrust up against Aaron. Pulling away, Aaron practically ran back into his office and grabbed Spencer’s bag. He stopped a moment and thought about what he was doing. He walked to his office door, and with a shaking hand locked it, then stood there a moment knowing he should stop this altogether. Aaron walked back to the small room and was about to tell Spencer that they couldn’t go any further till his eyes took in the view before him.

Spencer had stripped down and was now laying spread out on the bed, eyes half-lidded and Aaron knew then he was screwed. After handing Spencer his bag, he divested himself of his clothes before he talked himself out of this. He sucked in a breath when he looked back, and Spencer was fingering himself.

“Here, condom,” Spencer threw the packet at him. Aaron hesitated a moment. He was feeling overwhelmed by what was happening. Spencer sat up on his knees and reached out with his clean hand grabbed Aaron’s and pulled him closer. Spencer cupped his cheek and smiled.

“Are you okay, Aaron?”

“I want this, forgive me God, but I want this. I want you, I just…” Aaron swallowed and felt Spencer brush his cheek wiping something away. He touched his face and felt the wet rolling down. “I love you.” Aaron’s breathing was shallow as he kneeled on the bed, trying to calm the raging storm of emotions.

The soft smile on Spencer’s face as he took the condom from him, then kissed him again pushed him over the edge. Aaron followed Spencer back down onto the bed covering the younger man with his own body. When their cocks rubbed together, Aaron knew he was lost. He grabbed the condom and fumbled with the package, his hands shaking with emotion and adrenaline. Sliding the condom down his now hard cock, he looked down into Spencer’s face.

“I love you too, Aaron. I love you so much.” Spencer grabbed the bottle of lube and slicked the condom Aaron was wearing just a little. Then his mouth was being taken in a heated, desperate kiss. Guiding him, Spencer urged Aaron inside of him. It was like a dam had broken, and Aaron had lost all control. The coupling wasn’t fast, but it was rough and a little urgent. Aaron was feeling too much as he moved his hips, experiencing what it was like to be inside Spencer.

Hands tried to grasp Aaron’s back that was now slick with sweat. Mouths, tongues, and teeth clashed together as bodies moved to a rhythm as old as time. Spencer shuddered in his arms and bit his lip to keep from crying out, and an almost painful squeeze around Aaron’s cock had him seeing stars as the release he was seeking crashed over him making him spill in the condom.

Dropping his head on Spencer’s, Aaron tried to get his breathing back, his heart pounding hard in his chest. Spencer held onto him and right then it was the only thing keeping Aaron from falling completely apart.

With no words, he pulled his now softened dick from Spencer and went to the small bathroom. He shut the door and cleaned up his stomach where Spencer’s release had coated him. Aaron pulled off the condom, cleaned himself up, then gripped the sink till his knuckles were white. Tears spilled from his eyes when the reality of what he had done slammed into him. Aaron broke his vows, he had sinned and had turned from God for a night of pleasure. Aaron choked on the sob that wanted an escape. He didn’t want to scare Spencer.

Tamping down on the emotions he stepped out of the bathroom with a wet washcloth in his hand. He cleaned up Spencer, then laid down with him on the small bed.

“Aaron, that was incredible. We did nothing wrong, Aaron. For what kind of God would think that love is wrong?”

Aaron pulled Spencer closer to him and held him a little too tight.

“Love isn’t wrong, Spencer. But I broke my vow of chastity. I took the vow, not because it was imposed on me, but I wanted it, Spencer. I wanted to serve my God…” Aaron sucked in a breath and fought with himself to hold it together. Spencer turned in his arms and laid a hand on his cheek.

“Do you regret this, Aaron?”

“God, help me I don’t. But…”

“But what?”

“This can’t happen again. Please, Spencer, don’t make me choose.” Spencer held Aaron close as the two men fell asleep together neither one knowing what was going to happen from here.

* * *

Aaron woke up and gently extricated himself from the sleeping man. He got dressed, except for his priest's collar, which he gripped in his hand. Closing his eyes, he gently shut the door behind him, then left his office and walked to the front of the church. He kneeled down in the front of the podium, gripping the collar in his hands even tighter, Aaron started to pray.

“Why? Why would you put someone in my path that I could love? Was this a test? Was this somehow forcing me to show my faith and devotion to you? Why God? I love him. I’ve never loved any human being as much as I love him. He’s beautiful, kind, gentle. His very soul speaks to me in a way that I only ever felt in your presence. I ask again, why?” Aaron doubled over as he purged the emotions that had been warring inside him. He continued to pray. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there on his knees, but a hand on his shoulder startled him.

“Aaron? Have you been here all night?” Father Donovan, Aaron’s partner, friend, and fellow priest looked him over, and Aaron could see the concern in his eyes.

“I’ve been a fool, James. I’ve sinned.”

“No, Aaron. You’ve been human. You have a choice to make, and I know whatever you choose, it won’t be easy. You know I’m here. I think you need to talk this through, then I believe that you need time. Do you need to speak about whatever it is that pushed you into seclusion, Aaron?”

Aaron looked at his friend then looked down at his hand with the collar still there.

“I broke my vow, James. I lay with a man and partook of the pleasures of the flesh.”

Father Donovan knelt next to Aaron, praying with him, giving his counsel and it helped to settle Aaron, but he knew what he had to do, and it was breaking not only his heart, but it was breaking his very soul.

* * *

Spencer woke up in the darkness and felt like he was alone in the bed. He blinked as he sat up and knew that Aaron was gone. He wasn’t going to look for him right away as he grabbed his clothes and put them back on. Spencer knew that Aaron was conflicted. He felt guilty for being selfish, for thinking that they could have something together. Spencer wasn’t sure what was going to happen to them from here. When he left the office he saw no one was in the church, so Spencer left and went home, alone. He was always alone, always falling for unattainable people. This time was different, Aaron held Spencer’s very heart and soul in his hands. He knew Aaron was conflicted and he would give him a few days before he came back to see him.

Two back to back cases kept Spencer from going to the Church, but finally, when the team had a few days downtime, Spencer found himself wandering inside, waiting to see Aaron. When he spotted another priest there, Spencer frowned.

“Father Donovan? Where is Father Aaron? I meant to come see him, but my team, we had back to back cases, and I couldn’t get here.”

The Priest that was walking around and checking the pews, doing the things that Father Hotchner did was making Spencer afraid.

“Spencer. Aaron said you might be by soon. He told me he received your texts. He wanted me to give you this.” The sympathy on Father Donovan’s face was making Spencer very nervous as was the envelope in the Priest's hand. Spencer took it, his hand shaking as he looked down at it. “He also told me to stay around in case you needed someone.”

“Thank you,” Spencer’s voice was almost a whisper as he looked at the letter in his hand. Fingers gently traced the elegant sprawling script as he slid onto the hard seat of the pew. With shaking hands he opened up the envelope and pulled out the letter.

_ Spencer _ ,

Reid laughed bitterly to himself as he heard Aaron’s gentle accent saying Spensah in his head.

_ I know what a letter means to you, and I know I should probably do this in person, but I can admit that I am a bit of a coward. If I had waited till you came in to see me, I knew you had the power to talk me out of leaving. I’m sorry Spencer, I truly am, but I have to go. You see I loved my work. I loved being in the Priesthood; I loved the counseling work I did. It’s not just what I did, but it was who I was as a person. It was my calling, and I’m sure you can understand that. You are an incredible, wonderful, beautiful person and you, Dr. Spencer Reid have the power to destroy me utterly. _

 

_ You see, I was a celibate gay man. I knew this a long time ago when I entered Seminary School. I only ever acted on my feelings and urges once before I left for school. I wanted to have that experience before I left it all behind. I was lucky in that it was someone I cared for, and they cared for me. After that short affair, I knew I could enter into my chosen vocation with no regrets. And while I felt and do feel attraction, I just smile and let it pass. It's part of me, and I accept and acknowledge it, but choose not to act on it. I was doing well. Twenty years I learned how to stave off temptation, even the self-love kind. _

 

_ Then, one day a desperate man came into my Church seeking guidance. I acknowledged he was not only attractive, he was beautiful, and not just on the outside, but deep down to his very soul. He spoke to me, not just with words, which he was skilfull at, but his inner light spoke to me as well. During our sessions, he wove a spell of words and emotions that sank their hooks into me more and more and I did something that, though I don’t regret, I no longer know who I am because of it. _

 

_ That was you, Spencer. You wove a spell of words and expressive hands, of emotions and gentleness, of beauty and trust. I kissed you. I kissed you, and it woke up things in me I had long thought conquered. I could have resigned, gone back to the world with you. I thought of the nights we could share where I held you close, made love to you with the nighttime shining down upon us. I could let you wrap yourself around me and hold me in your arms. I thought about it, God, Spencer I dreamed about it and started to long for something I had never had before. _

 

_ Then, I woke up. I walked my Church and felt the pain of leaving, of putting all that I am behind me for you. I would have given up my life, my vocation, the thing that makes me who I am, and I knew, I knew Spencer that if I left and made my life around you, I would have come to resent it. I would have come to resent you, and I never ever wanted to do that. I never want to destroy that light that shines inside of you. _

 

_ I love God. I love serving God and helping people as my service to God. I know the Church isn’t perfect, that it’s flawed and has made terrible decisions, but I don’t serve the Church. It is only the venue by which I serve my God. _

 

_ I also love you. God help me, I love you, Spencer Reid. I never thought someone would come into my life and turn me upside down as you have. I love you, and that’s what makes this so hard. I would have left it all to try to have a life with you, Spencer, but I didn’t want to end up hating you. _

 

_ I know you love me, Spencer. I could see it in your eyes, and I felt it in that kiss and when we made love. I do not want to ruin that light, that beauty that you have deep inside of you and I am realistic enough to know that is exactly what would happen. I made a choice that could eventually destroy us both. So, I’m making the choice that will save us both. I know you won’t see it that way, not now, maybe not ever, but know you are the one that I would have come back to the world for. _

 

_ God help me, I love you Dr. Spencer Matthew Reid with all of my heart and soul and leaving is killing me, but staying, staying would have been worse. I would give in again, and again. I would take you to my bed, and each time I did, I would lose something of myself in the process. Please, Spencer, don’t look for me, don’t ask where I have gone, let me go as I have to let you go. Know that I regret nothing and would go through this pain all over again just to say that I got to know you. _

 

_ You will always have my heart. _

 

_ Aaron. _

Spencer sat there on the bench reading the letter over and over as tears fell from his eyes. He wanted to be furious with Aaron, but he couldn’t. At least right now in this moment he wasn’t angry, but Spencer knew at some point that it was going to seep in, it always did. His abandonment issues were going to cloud any other emotion he may have had for Aaron, but for now, he was going to let himself grieve. Spencer knew who the man was from the beginning and never expected to fall in love, let alone Aaron falling in love with him. The pain was deep, and Spencer wasn’t sure if he would ever get over losing someone he had given his heart to, fully and completely.

“Son, is there someone I can call for you?”

Spencer looked up into the compassionate face of Father Donovan and felt a fresh wave of tears fall as he gripped the letter tight.

“Um...JJ.” Spencer handed Father Donovan his phone as his hand shook as he tried to unlock it. The priest took it out of Spencer’s hands and looked through his contacts for a moment, but Spencer wasn’t paying any attention. He was handed back his phone after a few minutes, the priest gently held his hand then sat down next to him. Father Donovan’s quiet strength helped Spencer as he thought about what it was he had lost.

“Aaron was very conflicted about what to do. I have never seen him like that before.”

Spencer looked up and to the side where Father Donovan was and furrowed his brow.

“Like what?”

Father Donovan looked down at his linked hands, then turned to Spencer, sympathy, and compassion shone out of his eyes.

“Torn, broken. Mentally and emotionally. Aaron prayed for days for guidance. He fell in love with you, Spencer. He broke his vow, and it tore him up inside. I don’t condemn him for his choices. I believe we have interpreted these ancient texts that were written during a time of hedonism and mental illnesses very wrong. Rome was not exactly a holy city at the time of what we currently consider the timeline of the Bible. God loves us all, as long as we aren’t out to intentionally hurt anyone. Aaron loves what he does. Few in the service of God are as selfless and compassionate as he is. It is no wonder the two of you fell so hard for each other.”

Spencer wiped his eyes as fresh tears fell.

“We could have been happy together.”

Father Donovan once again gave him a sad smile.

“Yes. I’m sure you could have, for a time. Then resentments would have set in. Aaron would once again be torn by his decisions, and I believe he would have been driven back to the Church. He does love you, Spencer. But, when I found him on his knees, grieving and begging for help from God I knew he had to make a decision. He has gone into silent seclusion. I don’t know what he’s going to do after that. I asked him not to tell me.”

“Why?” Spencer stood up and glared down at the priest.

“Because I would be tempted to tell you.”

Spencer took a shaky breath as he wrapped arms around his middle. Father Donovan stood and gently gripped Spencer’s shoulder.

“I know, Son but please understand this is for the best.”

The heavy front doors opened, and both men turned when the clack of heels sounded on the wood floors of the Church. Spencer looked almost relieved when JJ came up to him and pulled him into her arms. It was the catalyst that opened the floodgates as he grieved in her arms.

“Oh, Spence. I’m sorry.” JJ looked up at Father Donovan and mouthed ‘thank you’ to him. Then the two were left alone.

“I love him JJ. I didn’t mean to love him. What do I do?”

“Right now, I take you home with me, let you lay down on the couch with some hot tea and blankets and let Henry hug and cuddle you. Let me take care of you and together, we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay.” Spencer pulled out of JJ’s arms and let her take his hand and lead him out to her car. Spencer vowed he was never going to love someone like he did Aaron. He may take lovers here and there, but after today, he knew he would never give his heart away again.

* * *

Aaron stood at the small window in his room looking out and wondering where he wanted to go, and what he wanted to do next. He had taken a vow of silence till he could make some decisions for himself, and to help him work through the guilt for giving into his desires. It had been six months since he left D.C and entered into seclusion. The retreat was exactly the place he needed to try to get his head, and his heart, straightened out. He still loved Spencer with everything he had, but he loved God and his vocation just as much, but now that vocation had a taint to it, and it was killing him. It still tore him up inside leaving the younger man behind, but he had not lied to Spencer. If he had stayed, if he had tried to have a life with the young man, Aaron would have come to resent him, and he never wanted that to happen. He wanted to remember Spencer as the beautiful, caring and often selfless man that he had fallen in love with.

“Aaron, Father Michaels would like to speak with you.” Aaron took a deep breath before he turned and walked out with the priest who had come to fetch him. They walked to the Bishop’s office where he waited just outside. A moment later, he was asked to go inside.

“Aaron, please come sit. I know you have taken a vow of silence, but I wanted to talk to you about what you wanted to do. I’d like to know your mind and where you are at right now. If you speak with me, you won’t be breaking your vow.”

When Aaron didn’t speak and only looked down at the hands in his lap, Father Michaels leaned forward and clasped his hands together.

“I’m worried about you, Aaron. You haven’t told me why you wanted seclusion, and whatever brought you here is still weighing heavy on your heart.”

“If I tell you, would you report me for breaking vows?”

“Aaron, you and I have been friends for a long time. Even before either of us entered the priesthood. We share secrets that could get us both excommunicated, but we’ve also repented our sins. Now tell me, what is going on.”

Aaron frowned as he wiped his face and tried not to look directly at his friend and superior.

“William, I fell in love with someone. Someone I had no right to.”

“A man?”

Aaron’s frown deepened as he felt the moisture prick at his eyes while he battled himself to tamp down on the emotions.

“Yes.”

“Did you act on these feelings?”

“Yes. God help me, William, I gave in...that’s when I...I knew I needed to leave, it was what was best for both of us. But, William?”

“Yes, Aaron?”

“It still tears me apart. I love him down to my very soul, and yet I love God. I love serving and being part of something bigger than myself. If I were a different man, I would have left and had a life with him, been happy for the rest of my own life with him.” Aaron choked on the emotions that were churned up. “Now, how can that be possible since I broke my vow.”

“I won’t tell you that God only gives us what we can handle. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason why the human heart does what it does. I’m not going to condemn you for your choices, Aaron, I think you are already in enough pain. I hope you aren’t just running away.”

“William, if I stay in DC, I know I will give into temptation again, and if I do that, I will be even more lost than I am now.”

Father Michaels stood and came around to sit in the chair opposite Aaron. He took his friends hand and held it.

“I will support you, Aaron, however, you need me too. If you want another position, I can put out feelers, or if you want to leave the Church altogether, then I will be here for you. Love is sometimes a bitch.” Father Michaels smiled and Aaron couldn’t help laughing himself. If the public only knew how some priests secretly swore, they would be shocked.

* * *

“Sheriff, what am I doing here?” Aaron asked as he sat at the small table in the interrogation room in the Chittenden County Sheriff's office. “And why are we in here and not your office?”

“Doctor H, It’s about what’s been happening around here.” Sheriff Coffey leaned on the table and narrowed his eyes at Aaron.

“You think I’ve had something to do with all this?”

“Doc, you knew all of the victims. They were all patients of yours.”

“Yes, and so is half this town, half of Essex, Richmond and Underhill. I have people who don’t want to be seen talking to a psychologist in their own towns. Come on Richard, you don’t really believe that I have anything to do with this, do you?”

“I’ve told them you don’t, but Doc, I had to bring in the FBI. Six people are dead in my County. Now, you did a lot for my boys, and half the people living here, but I gotta look at everyone. You understand.”

“You know I’ve been nothing but open and honest. I also know doctor-patient privilege falls apart when someone dies. I’m not holding anything back.”

“Well, they are here, and they want to talk to you.”

“Richard, I’ll help any way I can.” Aaron was just as upset as the Sheriff was when it came to the murders happening around Chittenden County, Vermont.

Aaron waited in the room after the Sheriff left. He knew why he was there, he was still considered new to the area, even it had been six almost seven years. Plus all of the victims had been patients of his. Aaron closed his eyes a moment, took out the rosary he still carried with him, the one Spencer had given him as a gift. The beads were the typical round beads, but the spacers were mini records. The beads were a high-end semi-precious stone, the spacers and jump rings were a mix of platinum and silver. The crucifix that hung down was in the Rosicrucian style, with roses, and flowers carved around the cross. It was Aaron’s favorite, and he was never without it. He held it in his hand and recited a prayer while he waited.

On the other side of the glass stood Spencer with two of his team standing on either side of him.

“He kept it,” Spencer knew he was supposed to be objective. This was a suspect. Aaron was a suspect. It didn’t make sense, none of this made sense.

“Deeply religious. But he isn’t reciting the standard rosaries. This is more than just common practice. Dresses well, but not flashy. Very little jewelry. A ring…” David Rossi, Spencer’s colleague, and one of his boss’ were standing next to him looking in at Aaron. “If I didn’t know any better, I believe that is a Priest’s ring. One gifted to them if they retire and leave the church. Former Priest? Maybe leaving was a trigger.

“What else do we know about him?” Dave turned to the other team member, Emily Prentiss as she held a file in her hands.

“Penelope found a lot. You’re right, Rossi. Former Priest left the Church, and his records are sealed tight. We need a valid court order to ask for them, and even then the Archdiocese can refuse, and we would have no other recourse. He’s a very wealthy man. Father died when he was fifteen, a trust in Doctor Hotchner’s name that he rarely accesses. His Mother died when he was nineteen, a year before he went to Seminary School. Pen found evidence of a boyfriend around that time, but they broke it off. The boyfriend also went to Seminary. Then the next twenty-one years, he was in the Church. Moved around only three times, till he ended up at Our Lady of Mercy in DC. He was head Priest and shared duties with a Father Donovan. Then, almost seven years ago, he abruptly left, and his records sealed.”

“Did you find any evidence of molestation charges?”

“There won’t be any. Aar...Father Hotchner is a good man. He would never hurt a child.” Spencer laid a hand on the glass, and let his forehead connect. He was having a hard time holding in his emotions and staying objective. Spencer knew he was compromised on this case, but he needed to focus.

“And the courts seem to agree with you, Reid. About a year after he showed up here in Vermont, he adopted four siblings. Two boys and twin girls. He had set-up a private counseling service here, and also does counseling at the local grade and high schools. He volunteers at the local youth center three days a week.”

Spencer turned to look at Rossi, then Prentiss.

“Do not let Morgan in there. I’m going to talk to him.” Spencer pulled away, grabbed the files from Rossi and made his way to the door. “You know I’m right, and you know why I’m right. Morgan is going to let his issues with his past cloud his judgement.”

“You’re right, Reid. Alright, go in, but I will pull your ass out if anything goes wrong.” Rossi and Prentiss looked a little uncomfortable letting him in there, Spencer knew that they knew there was more going on, and they were going to be lenient, for now at least.

“It won’t. I promise he won’t hurt me.” Not physically, anyway, thought Spencer. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and walked in. He knew the video and audio were on, there wasn’t anything he could do about that.

“Hello, Aaron,” Spencer said as he pulled out a chair and slowly sat down, putting the files on the table in front of him.

“Spencer.” Aaron looked shocked.

“You kept the rosary.”

Aaron tightened his grip on the rosary and looked Spencer in the eye.

“Of course. You gave it to me.”

“Yet, you ran away.” Spencer glared back at Aaron.

“Spencer. I didn’t run away. I left because I had to. What I did…” Aaron stood and paced the room. “What we did…”

“We didn’t do anything wrong, Aaron.”

“In your eyes, Spencer. You look at the world through the lens of a scientist and, your mind, it’s beautiful. You, you are beautiful. But I still see the world through God’s eyes. I broke my vow, Spencer and it almost destroyed me.”

“But it didn’t have to.” Spencer stood so abruptly that he upended the chair as he moved around the table to stand toe-to-toe with Aaron. “If you had stayed, maybe...maybe we could have found a middle ground.”

“No, Spencer we couldn’t.”

Spencer walked away, set his chair to rights and sat back down.

“Why didn’t you tell me you left the Church.” Spencer opened the top file and tried to look like he was reading the page in front of him.

“I thought about it.” Aaron huffed out a bittersweet sounding laugh as he sat down. “But if I had told you, you would have left everything behind and followed me. I would have taken you from the thing you love. I needed to find myself, Spencer. I needed to understand who I was away from the Church. I was drowning, and it near killed me to make the decision to retire. I wasn’t ready, not yet. But, I couldn’t in all good conscious stay.”

Spencer was quiet as he gathered his thoughts. This wasn’t how or where he had wanted to have this conversation. He was having trouble keeping his emotions in control and to focus on the case in hand.

“You don’t know what you did to me,” Spencer almost whispered those words, but when he let his eyes travel up to Aaron’s he could see the concern.

Aaron reached out, Spencer wasn’t going to stop him. Undoing Spencer’s shirt cuffs, Aaron pushed his sleeve up to his elbow, fingers trailed over the newer scars.

“Oh, Spencer. Why did you do this?”

“You left. You left me alone. I loved you Aaron, and then, you were just gone.”

“Spencer…”

Spencer pulled out of Aaron’s grip and steeled himself against the man across the table.

“Tell me about Theresa Whittaker.” Spencer purposely hardened his voice as he asked about each victim.

“Tell me where you were on each of these dates.”

Aaron audibly sighed as he pulled out his phone and pulled up his calendar. He told Spencer what he had already told the Sheriff in each of the cases.

“We will double check your alibis.”

“You really believe I could do these things, Spencer? You know me. You know the kind of man I am. What would be my motivation? Why would I do these things and jeopardize the future of my children?”

“I’ve seen father’s do worse and their kids have no clue what kind of man their father is.” Spencer slammed the folders shut, and stacked them back up. He stood and looked down at Aaron, “I knew you. I thought I knew you better than anyone. Now, I’m not sure that I ever truly did know you in the first place.”

“Spencer,” Aaron stood as Spencer grabbed the files and turned his back. When the FBI agent didn't look back, Aaron called out again. “Spencer, you can’t believe I would actually commit murder, do you?”

“Like I said to you once before. Anyone is capable of anything.” Spencer left the room, leaving a devastated Aaron in his wake.

As soon as Spencer left the interrogation room, he was confronted by Dave.

“Let’s take a walk.” The hard tone in the older profiler’s voice made Spencer realize he may have screwed up.

* * *

Aaron sat down letting his head fall in his hands. He took a few deep breaths to control the storm of emotions that were raging inside him. He wasn’t sure how long he was there, and he was beginning to worry that they did believe him capable of murder.

The door opened again, and this time a tall, muscular dark skinned man came in with an almost as tall dark haired woman. The woman sat down, the same stack of files and Aaron just sighed. The man leaned against the two-way mirror and crossed his arms.

“You can ask me all the questions you want. My answers will all be the same. Yes, these were my patients, and I have been more than up front with the police, and now with you people from the FBI. I did not do these things.”

“Wow, didn’t even let us get introductions out.”

“I don’t believe in wasting time.” Aaron glared at both people.

“And you think that is what we are doing?” The darker man glared back. His voice was hard, almost bitter. Aaron tried not to read too far into that, but he had the feeling it had nothing to do with why Aaron was there. 

“Yes. I do. I have appointments to keep, and then my children to pick-up from school.”

“Dr. Hotchner, why did you leave the Church? Your file was redacted. Makes me wonder what you, or they want to hide.” The woman leaned forward, hands clasped together.

“Miss?”

“Prentiss. SSA Emily Prentiss and my partner here is SSA Derek Morgan. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Aaron shut down his emotions, he also wore the mask that let him keep a distance from his patients and others. 

“Agent Prentiss, I don’t see what my leaving the church has anything to do with what is going on in this county.”

“Everything about an Unsub is relevant, Doctor,” Morgan said as he pushed off the wall, placed his hands on the table and leaned in. “Where they went to school, family, friends, vocation, why they left, why they stayed, relationships they develop. We learn everything about them.” Aaron kept Morgan’s gaze. He didn't flinch, didn’t pull back, he wasn’t going to show any weaknesses at all. 

“Were you running away from something you did? Something the church wants to cover up? Something to do with kids?” Morgan growled as he got up in Aaron’s face.

Aaron was out of his seat so fast that Morgan almost didn’t pull back.

“I would never harm a child!” Aaron almost yelled at the agent. The thought, the very thought that he could ever touch a child like Morgan was implying made him sick to his stomach.

“That’s what they all say,” Morgan was toe-to-toe with Aaron, and he saw pure unadulterated hate and anger in the man.

“Someone hurt you. Someone you trusted. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you. It isn’t right. I’ve never agreed with the way the Church handles pedophiles. Though I don’t think it was someone from the Church who hurt you.” The glare on Morgan’s face was all the confirmation that Aaron needed. But it also told him he was treading on an emotional land mine. “But that wasn’t why I left.” 

“Then tell me why, ” Morgan growled and Aaron knew not to push him too far because he was ready to snap.

“Morgan, back off.” Prentiss stood and grabbed her partner, pushing him away from Aaron.

“I’m sorry…”

“No, you aren’t Agent Prentiss. The two of you wanted my reaction to the veiled accusations of molestation and pedophilia. If you really think that I am that kind of man you can speak with my children with an advocate of my choosing. I won’t be there so you couldn’t accuse me of coaching.”

“Alright, no I’m not sorry, but we are here to catch a killer. I promise that is all. If you answer our questions, we can rule you out then we can get on with the business of finding the right person.”

Aaron paced the room as worry had settled deep in his gut. He turned to look at Prentiss then leaned on one of the chairs and glared at the two agents.

“Dr. Hotchner, you said something about breaking your vow. Which vow was that?” Prentiss glared right back at him.

Aaron hung his head as he concentrated on getting his breathing under control. When he looked up, he felt like he wanted to shatter all over again. 

“If you really need to know, Agent Prentiss,” Aaron growled. His most personal, profound shame of his life was being exposed. He hated her at that moment. “I broke my vow of chastity. It only happened once, but I, knowing what I had done, couldn’t stay. I couldn’t forgive myself for giving into the temptation, then pretending to be a pious man every time I walked into my church and faced my parishioners.” Aaron stood and looked at the wall a moment, then turned back around. He was almost happy about the shame that stained the pretty agent's cheeks.

“You would have us believe that you left the church because you had sex once?” Morgan crossed his arms once again as steely eyes tried to bore into Aaron.

“Yes. I took my vows very seriously, Agent Morgan. You have no idea what breaking just one of them did to me. Now, is this damn witch hunt finished? I’d like to go pick up my twins from their school.” 

“Yes. Just…”

“I know the drill, Agent. Besides, why would I run? I have four kids who need me. This town is all they know. I would never take them from the place that they feel safest.” Aaron glared at both people then walked out of the interrogation room and started to go past Spencer.

“I assume you heard most of that.” Aaron’s jaw was hard set as he felt even more betrayed.

“Yes.” Spencer frowned and looked at Aaron.

“Are you satisfied that I have been raked over the coals, Spencer? Do I need to stand here and bleed in front of you? Is this some perverse revenge on your part? Because the Spencer I knew, he was beautiful. His very soul shone so brightly, he would never hurt someone that was innocent. You weren’t the only one broken, Spencer. It took the both of us.” Aaron took a deep breath and walked away. It was the second hardest thing he had ever done in his life.

* * *

Spencer closed his eyes and bowed his head, wiping his face and stemming the tears that wanted to spring free.

“You want to explain, Reid?” Morgan knitted his brows together as he glared at the younger man.

“I was the one he broke his vow with.” 

“Wow.” Prentiss looked shocked. Morgan just looked pissed. Rossi didn’t say a thing.

“You know about this, Rossi?” Morgan looked to his SIC. 

“I did. Spencer just informed me.” 

“You are benched,” Morgan still looked upset at Spencer.

“You can’t do that, Morgan,” Spencer’s frown deepened as he glared at his boss.

“I can, and I will. You should have told us right away that you had a personal connection to one of the suspects. You know you can’t work this case. Go back to the hotel. I won’t send you home, but you can’t be here.”

“That isn’t fair.”

“Spencer.”

“Fine!” Spencer turned, grabbed his bag and left. He took one of the cars that had been assigned to them and just drove around trying to get his head on straight. He had not expected to see, Aaron. Not here, not in this town and certainly not involved in a case. 

He knew Aaron was innocent and wondered at his own mind when a part of him wanted the man to be guilty. Then he could lock him up for his crimes. But, the only crime he ever committed was breaking Spencer’s, heart. 

Spencer, somehow, ended up at the local library. Pulling into a parking spot he exited the vehicle and made his way inside. Just being there, surrounded by the stacks of books had relaxed him a little. He thought about what he wanted to read and started to wander aimlessly. When he found himself in the religious section, Spencer just frowned. Browsing through the titles, Spencer found several autobiographies of priests who had left the church for one reason or another. Finding a comfortable corner of the library, Spencer sat down to read.

“Sir,” a voice next to him broke him out of his concentration. 

“Yes?” 

“Um, I’m sorry, but we are going to be closing up.”

“Oh, sorry. I’ll just put these back.” Spencer stood and gathered all of the books he had around him.

“That’s okay. You can just leave the books on the cart over there, and I’ll take care of them.”

Spencer saw the book cart and debated, but he figured the librarian wanted to finish up and leave. He piled the books on neatly, went back and grabbed his messenger bag, then left the library. When Spencer left the library, he pulled out his cell phone and checked his messages. Most of them were the team updating him on the case, and one from Morgan saying where they were going for dinner. Spencer didn’t even realize he was hungry till his stomach growled. He wasn’t in the mood for company, not after reading some of the heart-wrenching decisions people made to leave the church. Spencer wasn’t even really sure why he had invested all of that time, he thought he had put Aaron behind him, but seeing him earlier in the day all of those feelings came bubbling back up.

Spencer got back in the car and drove around till he found something that wasn’t going to upset his stomach. He still wasn’t in the mood for company. His emotions were still very raw. He found a little sandwich stand that was still open, so he stopped and got something to eat. After he had finished eating, Spencer found himself back in the car, just driving around. He subconsciously knew where he was going, but was still surprised when he found himself parked across the street from Aaron’s house. The man’s address was in the files, and Spencer had memorized it without really trying.

Sitting in the car, hands in his lap, Spencer contemplated what to do. He looked up at the house and knew what he wanted to do. Getting out of the car, he was nervous as he made his way to the front porch, knocked and waited. 

The door opened, and there Aaron stood, looking just as gorgeous as he remembered from years before. 

“Reid.” 

“Can we talk?” Spencer bit his lip and held his messenger bag in front of him like armor.

Aaron stood there looking at him for several very long minutes before he moved away from the door and waved for Spencer to come in.

“The kids are at a large sleepover at the school. It’s something they do every few months. The kids love it.”

“So, we are alone?” Spencer was not expecting that. 

“Yes, Reid, we are alone.”

Spencer would later reflect on his actions that night and wonder what made him do what he did. He would never find true answers other than pent up emotions, anger, depression, sadness, love, need, want, it all had built up to a painful crescendo till he did something about it.

Spencer took his messenger bag off of him and threw it to the ground, all the while Aaron was watching him, confused. Spencer felt himself smile a feral smile as he pushed Aaron up against the side of the staircase, then took his mouth in a hard, needy kiss. Gripping the bars behind Aaron, he used the leverage to keep the older man right where he wanted him. 

Aaron’s arms flailed out to the side, not knowing what to do, but eventually, Spencer felt them come around him, holding him close and then a moan escaped as Spencer thrust his already hard erection against Aaron’s thigh. 

After several moments of kissing, Aaron gripped Spencer’s hair and tore the man away from him. Spencer looked down to see that Aaron’s lip had been cut, there was a bit of blood trickling down. 

“What the hell is this Spencer?” Aaron panted as he kept his grip on Spencer’s hair.

“Fuck me, Aaron.”

“Wh-what?” The confusion in Aaron’s voice made Spencer roll his eyes a bit. 

“Fuck. Me.” Spencer still wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, and he knew that he would come to regret whatever happened, but Spencer wanted, no, he needed this.

“What is this, some kind of revenge thing? Angry sex? What?”

“And what if it is? You don’t have any attachments. I don’t have any attachments. Come on, Aaron, fuck me and don’t be gentle.”

Spencer watched the play of emotions on the man’s face. He was torn, and Spencer knew it. There was a moment that Spencer thought Aaron was going to throw him out, but then the man was using his strength against Spencer and had their positions reversed, and this time it was Aaron leading the kissing. His tongue thrust inside Spencer’s mouth, tasting, clashing teeth, and biting lips. It was more a war for dominance than anything, and Spencer's erection was so hard in his pants he needed to find relief. Hands gripped the back of his thighs and lifted him up. Spencer yelped, but then gripped with arms and legs the man holding him. 

Aaron rushed and almost tumbled up the stairs. Spencer was working on his shirt, unbuttoning it as they kept their mouths locked in that continual war. Spencer tasted blood, he wasn’t sure whose it was, and frankly, he didn’t care. When Aaron stumbled into his bedroom, kicking the door closed, letting it slam shut, Spencer moaned as he pressed in further against Aaron. A moment later he felt himself flying just a bit through the air as he was thrown on the bed, 

Aaron stripped, well it was more a frantic rush to get his clothes off, Spencer did the same. Lube and condom appeared from somewhere, and Spencer wasn’t quite sure from where. His mind was entirely focused on the man moving above him. He would wonder later at the items. Spencer had closed his eyes a moment, and that moment gave Aaron the opportunity to grab his ankle and pull him down on the bed. Spencer’s legs were then bent in half, and rough, calloused fingers breached his hole, making Spencer cry out both in pain and in pleasure. He gripped Aaron’s arms, scratching and digging his nails in. Before he could catch his breath, he felt the blunt head of Aaron’s cock pushing inside him. 

“Do it, Aaron. Do it, fuck me. You know you want to. Don’t be gentle.”

Aaron looked down at Spencer, and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, there was a look of sadness that was then replaced by something dark and then Aaron thrust inside of Spencer till he was balls deep. 

The pace was hard and brutal as the two men’s combined pain and anger bled all over each other. Spencer was being fucked to within an inch of his life. He gripped Aaron’s back, leaving scratches as Aaron thrust in harder and faster. 

Spencer felt himself close as he met Aaron thrust for thrust, his cock ached for release, for Aaron to touch him there. Something must have shown on his face because his cock was gripped in one large, strong hand. Aaron jerked him off, it was hard and brutal, and Spencer knew he was going to be sore the next day. He didn’t care. He was here to purge the man out of his system, and if this were what it took to make that happen, then he would take it. 

Finger’s gripped upper arms as Aaron’s hand flew over Spencer’s cock, then, he was coming, and the orgasm was just this side of painful. Aaron let Spencer’s cock go, and then gripped his hips, he pistoned in and out of Spencer, harder, hitting Spencer’s prostate every few strokes making him cry out as the overstimulation was making his body shake. Then he saw Aaron’s body tighten, his face screwed up a moment, then the swell of the encased cock in his ass, he knew Aaron had come.

The two men were locked in that moment, looking at each other, skin slick with sweat, bruises, welts, and battered hearts and emotions completely laid bare between them. Neither of them spoke, they didn’t know what to say to each other. Aaron pulled out and stumbled into his bathroom. The shower turned on, leaving Spencer there alone on the bed.

* * *

Aaron pulled the condom off of him and threw it away. He leaned on the sink and hung his head. His mind was reeling as his body shook with the force of the emotions raging inside of him. What was it about Spencer Reid that made him lose all reason?

Wiping his eyes, Aaron moved towards the shower and turned it on as hot as he could stand it, then stepped under the scalding water. Bracing himself against the shower wall, Aaron hung his head and tried to reign in the emotional pain he was feeling. It took a while for him to get himself under control, the water stung his back where Spencer had left deep scratches. Getting himself clean and dried off, he expected Spencer to be gone. He was not going to be upset about that, but it made him feel used, and tired. 

After drying and wrapping the towel around his waist, Aaron walked back into his bedroom and was shocked to see Spencer still there. Aaron stood in the doorway between bathroom and bedroom, staring, not really knowing what to do. 

“You expected me to get dressed and just leave, didn’t you?”

“Honestly I’m not sure what to expect, Spencer.” 

“So, it’s Spencer now?” 

Aaron sighed as he moved to his drawers and pulled out a pair of boxer briefs, some short sweats, and a t-shirt. Turning away from Spencer Aaron quickly dressed. 

“What do you want from me, Spencer? Do you want to see me hurt? Are we really going to keep doing this?”

“I want you to tell me why you couldn’t have just stayed. If you were leaving the Church, why couldn’t you just have stayed? We could have tried, Aaron.” 

Aaron sighed as he sat on the edge of his bed, trying to gather his thoughts. 

“If we are going to have this conversation, why don’t you clean up and I’ll go make coffee. There are towels in the bathroom,” Aaron said as he closed his eyes attempting to gather his thoughts together. He heard more than saw Spencer moving around in the room. The bathroom door shut and locked. Aaron tried not to think about why Spencer locked the door. Standing up Aaron rummaged in his drawers and pulled out a pair of sleep pants with a draw string and a t-shirt. After he had set them aside, Aaron got a clean set of sheets and made the bed up quickly. All evidence of what happened that night, gone, but it wasn’t ever going to be forgotten. 

He heard the water shut off and took that as his cue to go down and start the coffee. He was leaning against the opposite counter when Spencer came down into the kitchen. 

“Um, thanks,” Spencer mumbled as stood at the doorway. 

“Glad they could fit.” 

The stove top espresso maker finished a moment later, and Aaron poured the coffee into the waiting mugs. He added warm milk from a pan that was sitting next to the coffee, then a little brown sugar, cinnamon, and some chocolate. After stirring them a few times, Aaron handed Spencer a cup. He watched Spencer take a sip and the look of surprise sent a spike of something warm through Aaron’s stomach. He quickly tamped down on that feeling and led Spencer to his den. 

“I told you the truth, Spencer. If I had stayed then, the way I was feeling, the depression I felt myself sinking into, I would have come to resent you and whatever relationship we would have tried to have.” 

“You said you loved me.” 

“I did, I still do, but look at us. Look what just happened, Spencer.” 

Spencer wrapped his hands around the coffee cup as he curled up at one end of the couch they were sitting on. 

“I um, I read some books. Some autobiographies of others like you.”

“You mean retired priests?” 

“Yes. I don’t know if I’m closer to understanding or not. I don’t get faith like yours.”

Aaron looked down at his coffee cup and held it, trying to find a way to explain something so personal was difficult.

“You have to have faith in something, Spencer. Even after all this time.”

“I have faith in my team, in myself, in science, but I don’t know if I have any blind faith in anything.”

Aaron set his cup down and stood. He walked to the window that looked out at his backyard. The sun had long set and the night sky was clear and calm. 

“I almost lost my faith, Spencer. That’s why I had to leave. I lost all perspective on who I was and what I believed in. I fell in love with you Spencer, and I broke my vow. It tilted my whole world. It made me question everything I ever believed in, and I went to a very dark place that took months to come back from. You, of all people, should understand what that is like.” 

Aaron couldn’t look at Spencer directly as he stood at the window. He looked over his shoulder at the man curled up on his couch. They just kept hurting each other and Aaron didn’t know what to do about it. He had been happy. His life was good again, the children brought a joy that he thought he had lost. Yes, it was hard being a single father, but he was making it work. Now, through a trick of circumstances, Spencer was here, and Aaron didn’t know how to cope with that.

Spencer cleared his throat, but Aaron didn’t move. They may have been in the same room, just a few feet apart, but to Aaron, it felt like miles. He waited patiently for the man to continue. 

“I was surprised that you, well, that you had, supplies,” Spencer swallowed and Aaron could just make out the blush creeping up on Spencer’s neck. 

“I tried having a relationship. Three years ago I went to a meet and greet thing at the community center. I met someone. We hit it off, and I thought we were doing good, but he wasn’t out yet, and it affected our relationship. I had to end it when he grew angry that I wanted more, and he wanted to continue to hide. I had to let him go because I wasn’t going to hide who I was from anyone. It hurt, but I had my children and my work, and it’s enough for me.” Aaron found his courage to turn around and look at Spencer.

“Till I came back? Is that what you were going to say?” The hard tone was back in Spencer’s voice and Aaron just felt...tired. 

“No, I wasn’t going to say that. I don’t know what you want from me, Spencer. It took everything I had to walk away. Look, I think maybe you should go. This...this wasn’t a good idea.” 

Spencer stood and walked towards Aaron. He reached out and took Aaron’s hand, lifted it up and kissed the back, the gesture was achingly gentle, and Aaron was confused all over again.  The smile on Spencer’s lips was sad and bittersweet, and Aaron felt his heartbreaking once more. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry, for everything. I’ll ah, I’ll go.”

Spencer turned around and grabbed the messenger bag he had left on the floor. In it he stuffed his clothes, his shoes he slipped on, and started towards the door. Aaron’s eyes followed him the whole way. When he got to the door, Spencer turned around to look at Aaron. 

“What was the name of the man you were dating?” 

“Spencer…”

“No, I’m serious, Aaron. What was his name? I...I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but maybe he has something to do with what is going on.”

Aaron wasn’t sure if he believed Spencer, and he felt terrible that he would be betraying someone he once cared about, but at this point they couldn’t rule anyone out. 

“Thomas James. His name is Thomas James.”

“Thank you.” Spencer left and Aaron felt lost all over  again.

* * *

Spencer left the interrogation room with a full confession from one Thomas James. The man had been spiraling ever since Aaron had broken off their relationship. He was targeting those with shameful secrets, those patients of Aaron’s that had secrets that they never wanted to be revealed to the world. 

“So, Reid, you ever going to tell me the truth on how you figured out who the Unsub was?”

“No. Does it matter?”

Derek wanted to push, Spencer could feel it, but he let it go, and they all headed home. Spencer didn’t even say goodbye to Aaron. He wasn’t sure how he felt. All he knew was, he didn’t feel any better than before they had arrived. 

Life moved on. Cases came and went and the years slipped by once again. This time, however, it was Spencer that was in trouble. He was in jail, and he was just trying to hold on. The only person that had come to see him over the weeks was Rossi. Updates on his case were sporadic at best. No one was talking to him, even after he remembered that it was a woman that had dosed him with the drugs. Spencer was losing hope every day that he was there. 

Spencer was surprised one day when a new lawyer showed up and talked to him, telling him that he had gone over Spencer’s case thoroughly and he saw no reason why he should have been put in general population, or even why he was in jail, to begin with. The evidence against him was thin and sketchy at best, with only a fingerprint and questionable DNA as evidence it should not have gone as far as it did. Within days, not weeks, not months, but days, the new lawyer got him out. He had to wear an anklet, and have an advocate with him at all times, but he was out. There was also a new investigation being run separately from the BAU’s. A private company that also only took days to figure out what was really going on. 

“I don’t understand. Who is paying for all of this? They locked down my accounts when I went to jail.” Spencer paced back and forth in his apartment, his lawyer and advocate were watching him pace. 

“They didn’t want their name revealed. Not till you were out and all charges dropped. Which, has now happened with the discovery that Cat Adams and her lover were behind what happened to you. Here, this will explain everything. You don’t owe me any money, Dr. Reid. And you don’t owe the private investigators anything either. Our job was to get you out and get you acquitted. I hope you can put this behind you and move on.”

The lawyer and the advocate left, and Spencer was once again feeling adrift. He felt so betrayed by everyone, even the team that kept claiming they were looking into his case. The team that was supposedly his family. He would never understand how a lawyer and a private eye was able to get him free, truly free, in just a matter of days, when his team had months. They were supposedly the best of the best, but they had not given their best to him, had they?

Spencer left the packet on his table, then went and took a long hot shower. He changed, made some fresh, real coffee. His pantry and fridge were all freshly stocked within the last day or so. His apartment was also thoroughly cleaned. Pre-made sandwiches were waiting for him in the refrigerator, which he grabbed after he poured himself some of the coffee. Walking into his living room, Spencer set coffee and sandwiches on the table then picked up the envelope and opened it. 

There was a letter, a long letter, with an invitation. Spencer didn’t know what to think about it as he set it back down on the table. He had a lot to think on. After finishing his sandwiches and coffee, Spencer curled up on the couch unsure of his future and what was going to happen next. He thought about moving back to Las Vegas, taking the time to spend with his Mother before she lost what little memories she had left.

The next day when Spencer woke up, he reread the letter, just to reassure himself that it was all real. He carefully dressed, several decisions made, Spencer knew this was going to be a hell of a day.

* * *

The last leg of his plane trip was short, but the drive wasn’t. Spencer decided to take his time as he made his way to the address that was burned into his brain forever. He wasn’t sure what he was really doing anymore, but, and wasn’t this a punch to the gut. Spencer had lost his faith. He didn’t even realize he had faith till it was ripped away from him. His faith had been in his work and his friends. Morgan had left the team before the clusterfuck that became Spencer’s life happened. The man went home to Chicago with wife and son. Prentiss came back to the unit after she had been in Interpol for a while, stating she wanted back in. Rossi was retiring, again. They had all but turned their backs on him, after he laid into them for not being there, for taking so long to figure out what happened to him. They tried to come up with excuses that other cases interfered, and that Peter Lewis was screwing them as well, but Spencer was angry. He was angry because not once did anyone apologize to him for the hell he had endured. 

Well, that wasn’t all true. The one person on the team that had gone to bat for him, that worked tirelessly on his behalf was Penelope Garcia. He had even heard that she threatened to resign if they didn’t get him out of jail. Spencer let out a cynical laugh and wondered what his team thought about an independent investigation getting more done in days than they had in weeks.

He had hit rock bottom but didn’t want to fall back on old habits. He turned in his resignation, knowing that maybe he was going to be fired anyway. Buying questionably legal drugs, jeopardizing the research study, and getting himself in deep he knew the writing was on the wall. AD John Evans had tried to talk him into seeing this through, going on probation and being kicked down to just an Agent till he could prove that he wouldn’t do something so stupid again. But, Spencer knew, he couldn’t go back, not after everything that had happened. 

After leaving the Bureau, he went to Vegas and spent a couple of months with his Mother. While there, she had a stroke, the schizophrenia, dementia, and all of the drugs as well as being dragged back and forth by Spencer had all taken their toll on her. The one comfort Spencer had was that she died peacefully, and where she had belonged all along at Bennington with people that had cared about her as much as he had. Spencer grieved the loss of her and knew what he needed to do now.

It took him two days to drive the final leg of his destination. Not because it was far, but because he wanted to take his time, to try to figure something about himself out. Finally, he stopped in front of the house he had only been in once before. He looked down at his hands, and they shook. They shook with a need so deep that it was tearing him up. Closing his eyes, he counted to ten and the craving passed, for now.

Stepping out of the car, Spencer took those few long strides it would take to get to the door, and it was a struggle even to knock, but he didn’t have to. The door opened, and there was Aaron, pulling him inside the house and then into the den where they could have some privacy. He was wrapped up in strong arms and held so impossibly close, that Spencer almost didn’t think any of this was real. Spencer would look back on this moment and realize that he finally understood. He understood what it was that Aaron had tried to tell him all those years ago.  

Spencer broke down, his knees gave way as he shattered completely, grief overwhelmed him, and Aaron followed him down to the floor, never letting him go, never leaving him. That was the kicker. Spencer had an epiphany, even though Aaron had left physically, he had never left him emotionally. They were still connected, and even if he didn’t know what all of this meant, Aaron had been there when he had needed it most. Spencer finally felt safe after so long of not feeling safe at all.

“Shh, I’m here, Spencer. I’m here.” Soothing words flowed from Aaron’s mouth as he held on through Spencer’s purge. When he felt spent, he pulled back and cupped Aaron’s cheek. 

“I finally understand everything. I know why you left. I understand now that you were trying to get me to see  _ you _ when I was here before. I understand now what it is to lose everything and the pain of leaving people behind. Help me, Aaron. Help me to move on because I don’t know how.”

Aaron wrapped Spencer up in his arms once more and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“I’ll help you, Spencer. You have a place here. I don’t know that we can recapture what we once were all those years ago. But, I miss your friendship. I miss our talks. I miss going to coffee, or lunch with you. I miss my friend. I think, for now, that is all I can give you, Spencer. My friendship and a home if you want it.”

Burying his head against Aaron’s chest, Spencer missed all of those things too. 

“Maybe we were too naive, and maybe we grew too close, too quickly. I don’t know. But, I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore. I do love you, Spencer. I’ve never stopped loving you, but…” Aaron laid his head on Spencer’s and closed his eyes. 

“We move on.” 

“Yes. We move on, and maybe all we were meant to be was life-long friends.”

Spencer took a deep, shuddering breath and held onto Aaron a little longer.

“I think I would like that, Aaron.”

“Why don’t we start by you meeting my children. They have wanted to meet you.” Aaron pulled back and cupped Spencer’s face in his hands. He smiled a real smile, and a fresh wave of tears fell from Spencer’s eyes. Spencer had not seen that smile in years. If all he got was this right here for the rest of his life, Spencer knew he would be a very happy man.

 


End file.
